Trying to settle down this week, but nothing much seems to help.
My mother died just a few weeks ago, and I'm finding it very hard to handle. Most of the time it's OK, but then I'll think of her, and just start crying. I think of her and miss her every single day, with or without tears. Most days with tears though. One thing that kills me are all the Mothers Day commercials; it's not just that they make me miss my mother, I don't need them for that, it's that they make me feel so guilty. "Show her how much you care." Did I do that? Did she know? I know I didn't get back to England much in the last few years and I know she wanted me to come. And I didn't go. At least, in the end I did, but it was to her funeral. I feel guilty and sad because I can never make it right.
I seem to be getting past it now, but for a while there my brain was full of fog. I just couldn't think straight about anything. She died unexpectedly, and we thought that the funeral would be the second week after, but then because of the unexpectedness, the coroner wouldn't issue a certificate right away, and we had to wait for an autopsy and tests. So I had to try to get my plane ticket changed--and that was such a nightmare. I spent hours on the phone talking to people in India. I couldn't understand a lot of their questions--not because of their English, but because I just wasn't thinking clearly. When the last one worked with me, he told me that the best price he could give me was $3000, and I broke down and cried. I told him I would have to miss my mother's funeral because I just couldn't afford that. He freaked out, and said it was all because of the airline's rules, tranferred me to Delta and they fixed it in 10 minutes.
I've been reading through some older fics, and one of them was Chiaroscuro by Miss Murchison. Spike reads a poem at the funeral of one the characters, and I really liked it. So when my brother asked if I wanted to do a reading, I immediately thought of that poem. It was the right poem for the moment and for me, so thanks to Miss Murchison for introducing it to me. (Dirge without Music by Edna St. Vincent Millay). My choice of music was Pavane pour une infante défunte by Ravel--we started with that to set the mood; my brother's was Sailing Round the Room by Emmylou Harris--that came in the middle and gave everyone a good cry; and the last was Jarre's Rendezvous (Ron's Piece) that was played for Challenger--that was for her, because she loved science fiction and space so much.
It all worked, it was all good. I know it's right that I am sad, and I know it will take a long time to work through, but I have lost a piece of myself. I'm a little less because I've lost something like a body part; she was such an integral part of me, I took her for granted, and the loss hurts. And one day, walking around living without that part will feel normal, and that will be a sad day too.